Fixing a relationship is really no different than fixing anything else that's broken. What makes fixing a relationship so hard are the emotional issues that tend to take free reign when things go wrong. More oftentimes than not, the number one area where a relationship begins to breakdown is the area of commitment.
Fights, cold exchanges and everyday pressures can weaken a couples' sense of commitment towards their relationship. Herein lies one of the destructive effects of emotions run wild. This can be seen most clearly when our sense of commitment to our job, or work life is compared to our sense of commitment towards our relationship.
Job commitments are connected to our means of survival (food, shelter, clothing). Because of the importance of these needs, our approach towards the job commitment tends to be less flexible than that towards a relationship. We take a more visionary perspective of our role inside the job commitment, and our reason to keep it.
This type of perspective lets little things be little things. It also loosens us up to take more creative approaches when dealing with big problems. In effect, the importance of the commitment increases our tolerance threshold considerably.
This is the kind of commitment depicted inside the marriage vow, "til death do we part". It's an attitude. It's a state of mind that makes dealing with relationship problems a clearer, and more grounded task at hand. It keeps our emotional sensitivities in check; unless issues arise that totally violate a couples sense of togetherness. And even then, emotions don't run as high as when commitment has become a back burner issue.
Truth be told, as much as we want out relationship to be that special and magical place, being in it for the long haul requires a working commitment. Once the importance of this commitment starts to weaken, problems take on an importance of their own. So when we start to see, or feel a rift developing in our relationships, questioning the root issue of commitment is a good place to look. The ultimate question being : Do I really ...really...want this to work ...or not?
Monday, March 24, 2008
Relationship Issues By Communication Breakdown
The essential problem in any bad relationship is a breakdown in communication between the two partners. No matter what the issues are (money, infidelity, etc.), the real problem is that the two partners haven’t been talking openly to each other about their feelings. This lack of communication is what makes the problems grow in the early stages and furthermore, what makes them hugely difficult to deal with in the end stages of the relationship. And essentially, whether couples go to workshops together, or therapy, or even answer the questions on a relationship quiz together, the real bottom line for any method is that the two people are talking to each other about their relationship.
Too often, talking to each other means fighting with each other. Relationship problems can’t be solved with yelling and screaming and the main purpose of a workshop, or a quiz or therapy is that there is something or someone there to prevent the yelling and screaming from taking over the process.
The therapist can be helpful if he or she does nothing more than to provide a safe, controlled atmosphere for the couple to talk calmly about their relationship problems. Obviously, if the therapist can make suggestions, comments and offer advice to the couple on how to better deal with each other, this will greatly benefit them and speed the healing process. By merely providing a forum for calm, orderly discussion, the therapist can move a couple off of the path towards a breakup or divorce and back into the realm of hope for the survival of the relationship.
The problems may come from any list – sex, money, quality time, control, outside influences, personal issues, infidelity, fear, listening to and supporting each other, but all of these problems can be addressed, perhaps not solved but at least addressed, through communication with each other. If there is no communication, the relationship problems will win out and the relationship itself must ultimately fail.
Too often, talking to each other means fighting with each other. Relationship problems can’t be solved with yelling and screaming and the main purpose of a workshop, or a quiz or therapy is that there is something or someone there to prevent the yelling and screaming from taking over the process.
The therapist can be helpful if he or she does nothing more than to provide a safe, controlled atmosphere for the couple to talk calmly about their relationship problems. Obviously, if the therapist can make suggestions, comments and offer advice to the couple on how to better deal with each other, this will greatly benefit them and speed the healing process. By merely providing a forum for calm, orderly discussion, the therapist can move a couple off of the path towards a breakup or divorce and back into the realm of hope for the survival of the relationship.
The problems may come from any list – sex, money, quality time, control, outside influences, personal issues, infidelity, fear, listening to and supporting each other, but all of these problems can be addressed, perhaps not solved but at least addressed, through communication with each other. If there is no communication, the relationship problems will win out and the relationship itself must ultimately fail.
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